Ode to My Psychotic Ex-Boyfriend by Sue Blair
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Friday night: I'm hanging out listening to Jimi Hendrix and Led
Zeppelin music using the headphones to get that nice stereo sound
bouncing back and forth between each ear.  My head is spinning like
a propeller and I'm lifting off the ground into a big blue sky
of wind-chords caressing my entire nervous system. I fall asleep
during the wee hours and wake up at noon on Saturday. When I'm
getting toast, I notice that there are Friday night messages on my
answering machine. Playback:

Friday 11:30pm: He says: Thought I would call and see how you're
doing. Give me a call. Talk to you later. Bye.

Saturday 01:00am: If you're there, pick up. <pause> Well, call me
back when you get in, I'm getting worried that you're not back yet.

Saturday 01:45am:  I know you're there. Pick up. <sigh> I don't
see how you think fucking me over is funny. I just thought that we
could talk. <pouting> Oh well. <click>

Saturday 08:00am: <in Indian accent, but I know it's him> Hello,
this is Doctor Basmati's office. It is time for your annual bowel
irrigation and rectal speculorum.  Please call 555-6969 asap to
schedule. Bery Bery important!


I send him email:

Dude,

I can't believe what a dillhole you are. There are some things
that need to be clarified:

1. Just because I'm not going out with anyone now, does not mean
   that I want to go out with you again. There was a reason that
   I broke up with you in the first place, hint: psychotic behavior
   <see above>.

2. Your conclusion that I am purposely blowing you off is paranoid
   and illogical.

3. Your need to suddenly and vehemently talk to me on a particular
   Friday night, given that we talk once every few months, is
   indicative of someone who is drunk off their ass.

4. Your assumption that I am home every night of the week at a 
   particular time is illogical and really none of your business
   anyway.

5. You know that I'm asleep at 8am, so it is rude to crank call
   me at that time. You say that you care about me and want to
   talk to me, yet simultaneously you seek to destroy my curtain
   of peaceful slumber. This is not logical.

6. I am fully armed at all times.

Thank you,
-Sue B.

p.s. I could go on and on about all of your annoying habits that
are the reason why I broke up with you in the first place:

-putting out cigarette butts in my plants
-leaving plates of half-eaten food with cigarette butts sitting
 in the middle of the floor on my antique glass plates
-leaving skid-marked clothing lying all over the pad
-interrupting conversations in order to mooch money for cigarettes
 and booze
-borrowing my spandex tights (which I don't mind) but then leaving
 them balled-up under the sofa, in the cracks of the sofa, and
 behind the sofa, so that eventually I am left wondering why I have
 no available spandex

but that would be tacky and unproductive.