Planet of the Apes <warning: spoilers>
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Planet of the Apes gets a <2> on the viewing scale- view at the
dollar show. The best part of the movie is actually the credits.
The only thing that makes the film worth seeing is the performance
by Tim Roth. I really did believe he was a bad monkey and not just
some actor in ape-guise. The dude should win an oscar.

Though I need to slam Mark Wahlberg for being totally wooden. I
never really got the sense that he was in any true peril or doubt. He
was like some robo-wall street boy scoping for a tasty parking spot
with his GPS.

At least the blonde chick in the film did some decent fighting,
though I am incredulous about her general appearance.  Her lips
and breasts must have got caught in some silicone collagen time
warp to Los Angeles past/future and then reappeared on the body of
a tribal woman.

And what is this sexual tension with the blonde chick and Ari the
ape woman both digging robo-boy? Weird, inter-species stuff! If
Ari was a true ape-woman, she would have killed the blonde chick in
her sleep and vice-versa. These chicks are tame and I can't even
believe that they were digging roboman who atomically motored off
the planet away from them ASAP with out so much as a tear in his
eye like some EDS droid in a Probe late for a cappucino and torte. I
balk at calling this "thing" a "triangle" since Wahlberg's character
showed no emotion through this entire thing. 

I also must slam the film on having a tepid story line. The point
of the film- 'can't we all just get along?'- is a little trite,
and was already done 1000 times on Little House on the Prairie.
Given that there are 6 billion people on the planet already,
the whole 'unite-ing' of the global population and freeing of
the slaves is a tired and outdated theme given that the struggle
has now escalated to man vs. everything else (other animals,
resources, the environment) <off soapbox>.  And all of the people
and apes suddenly awed and cowed, united in peace at the sight of
the climatic spectacle is as a lame dog slobbering over the bone
of a limping animal.

movie viewing scale
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4-  see on the big screen multiple times
3-  worth seeing on the big screen
2-  view at the dollar show
1-  get wasted with friends and rent on video
0-  avoid this film

august 2001