The Crow II: City of Angels --------------------------- by Sue Blair, 1998 Basically, my dad wanted to check out this movie, so we were sitting around my parents' living room watching it. mom: That's the guy from L.A. Law. He's not bad-looking. me: They're exploiting him by having him take off his shirt and pretend he's into S&M. mom: Is he a mime? (referring to the crow) me: Killer mimes. Hmm. Killing mimes, even better. mom: Why is that woman wearing a burlap bag on her head? me: She's a visionary for the LA Law guy. She must be blind or something. mom: Well, he could at least get her a nice bag. me: say, that's iggy pop. mom: er, who? me: dude was one of the founders of punk rock at the end of the 70s, early 80s. He is most famous for jerking off on stage. mom: Gross. That people would pay money to see that. I'm a nurse, I've seen it all for free, and it's nothing to write home about. me: He looks exactly the same as he did 20 years ago. mom: He looks ragged out and skinny like that guy in the Rolling Stones. Probably does drugs. me: The guy must be 50 by now. He did look much better with black hair though. iggy: fuck you, bird dick. dad: snorts in amusement. Grunts and turns page of newspaper. (crow sticks thumbs in eyes of evil minion and starts pressing. Mom covers her eyes) mom: Is it over yet? me: Nothing to see. They cut away since they were too cheap to show the entire event. mom: You and your father are sick, wanting to see that sort of thing. me: You work at a hospital, and WE think that the stuff there is 10 times grosser. (evil chick falls to the pavement from a great height. A crow-shaped brain spatter surrounds her head) mom: yeesh. (iggy pop's dead body is floating in the water. People are throwing rose petals since it is the Day of the Dead. The rose petals form a crow shape around iggy's body). mom: yeesh. Again with the crow. Did that guy with his eyes smashed out have a crow around him? me: not that I noticed. Maybe the glass of the porno booth was smashed out in the shape of a crow and I missed it when I snagged the ice cream. mom: I can't believe that I would miss something as _obvious_ as that. (Female protagonist confronts LA law guy in order to protect the crow. He raises a dagger and she gets stabbed immediately) mom: You would think that a woman in a post-apocalyptic society would have better self-defense than to run into a dagger. me: Tis nobler to rush at the dagger than bear the slings and arrows, and expense, of extra battle footage. mom: This bird-guy is no Mel Gibson, let me tell you. All-in-all, I would have to give this film a '2' on the bone-a-rama rating scale and a '1' on the viewing scale. The one saving grace of this film is the dark production, interesting domicile decor, gritty S&M footage (not much time given to that though), and Day of the Dead celebration footage. Also, the crow looks cool cruising on his motorcycle with his big leather coattails flying out. Nice jacket, man. Video pick of the week ---------------------- Sanctuary of Fear. Interesting little Father Brown mystery dittie, including the usual clues, jokes about Mrs Dimples' really bad cooking that she likes to bring to church functions, and the major bug up the Cardinal's ass about the church's leaky roof. Gets a '3' on the rating scale and a 1.5 on the viewing scale (rent it if you're into the genre, but don't get drunk to view). Bone-a-rama movie scale ----------------------- Bone-a-rama movie rating scale ------------------------------ 4- raging woody 3- moderate stiffy 2- the organ in repose 1- swimmers' dick 0 vestigial reflexive hiding of the scrotum within the abdomen movie viewing scale ------------------- 4- see on the big screen multiple times 3- worth seeing on the big screen 2- view at the dollar show 1- get wasted with friends and rent on video 0- avoid this film